(Ep. 106): Ring of the Musketeers - Movie Commentary (with Movie Audio): July 2018

July 3, 2018
Ring of the Musketeers
PG-13

 1992 ‧ Action/Adventure ‧ 1h 26m

 

As descendants of the original Three Musketeers, Peter Porthos (Thomas Gottschalk), John Smith D'Artagnan (David Hasselhoff) and Anne-Marie Athos (Alison Doody) are continuing the chivalrous tradition of protecting those who can't protect themselves, carrying it into the modern age. Rather than fighting lords and counts, these Musketeers have the Mafia to deal with, but they're aided by reformed burglar Burt Aramis (Cheech Marin), the newly knighted fourth Musketeer.

Initial release: December 1, 1992 (Germany)
Director: John Paragon
Production company: Motion Picture Corporation of America
Screenplay: John Paragon, Joel Surnow
Producers:Brad Krevoy, Steven Stabler
 
Plug that VHS player back in! It time for some David Hasselhoff! That's right, today we watch the Ring of the Musketeers. A made for TV film that... well... nobody remembers.  But when you have a modern day (90's) Musketeers film that has a cast that contains the Hoff, Cheech Marin, Alison Doody, John Rhys-Davies, Corbin Bernsen, Timothy Stack, Ricky Jay and Branscombe Richmond. You pretty much stop whatever you are doing and pop this VHS in.
 
So fix that tracking and enjoy that mono audio (yes this VHS wasn't in stereo) and repeat, Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno! Because we do this together ladies and gents! This is the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary of Ring of the Musketeers!
00:0000:00

(Ep. 106): Ring of the Musketeers - Movie Commentary (without Movie Audio): July 2018

July 3, 2018
Ring of the Musketeers
PG-13

 1992 ‧ Action/Adventure ‧ 1h 26m

 

As descendants of the original Three Musketeers, Peter Porthos (Thomas Gottschalk), John Smith D'Artagnan (David Hasselhoff) and Anne-Marie Athos (Alison Doody) are continuing the chivalrous tradition of protecting those who can't protect themselves, carrying it into the modern age. Rather than fighting lords and counts, these Musketeers have the Mafia to deal with, but they're aided by reformed burglar Burt Aramis (Cheech Marin), the newly knighted fourth Musketeer.

Initial release: December 1, 1992 (Germany)
Director: John Paragon
Production company: Motion Picture Corporation of America
Screenplay: John Paragon, Joel Surnow
Producers:Brad Krevoy, Steven Stabler
 
Plug that VHS player back in! It time for some David Hasselhoff! That's right, today we watch the Ring of the Musketeers. A made for TV film that... well... nobody remembers.  But when you have a modern day (90's) Musketeers film that has a cast that contains the Hoff, Cheech Marin, Alison Doody, John Rhys-Davies, Corbin Bernsen, Timothy Stack, Ricky Jay and Branscombe Richmond. You pretty much stop whatever you are doing and pop this VHS in.
 
So fix that tracking and enjoy that mono audio (yes this VHS wasn't in stereo) and repeat, Unus pro omnibus, omnes pro uno! Because we do this together ladies and gents! This is the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary of Ring of the Musketeers!
00:0000:00

(Ep. 105): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: June 2018

June 11, 2018

video_object.png

 

School might be out for summer, but not the Simplistic Reviews Podcast. We are back with special guest Dan "The Comic Book Concierge" Clark from The GeekCast Radio Network and CinemaGeeks Podcast, a couple of call-in friends of ours stop by, and we discuss everything from IHOP changing to IHOB, Hailee Steinfeld having Shape Of Water sex with an Autobot, and of course, the real problem with Hitler...you're gonna have to listen to find out what the hell that means on a brand new episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

 

NOTES

IHOB

David Tyree

Get A Life

 

MUSIC

Neon Love By Jeff Dale, Gavin Harrison, and Tim Reilly

Five Dollar Bill By Jason Pedder & Ben Ziapour

Midnight Ride By Richard Kimmings & Jason Pedder

Variety Time By Tim Garland

00:0000:00

(Ep. 104): Justice League - Movie Commentary (with Movie Audio): June 2018

June 2, 2018

Justice League

PG-13  2017 ‧ Fantasy/Science fiction film ‧ 2 hours

justice-league-1200x520.jpg

Fuelled by his restored faith in humanity, and inspired by Superman's selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists newfound ally Diana Prince to face an even greater threat. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly-awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes in Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash, it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.

Initial release: November 15, 2017 (Sweden)

Director: Zack Snyder

Initial DVD release: March 13, 2018 (USA)

maxresdefault.jpg

jl-03432rcc.jpggn-gift_guide_variable_c.jpgBox office: 657.9 million USD

 

 

Well... like DJ mentioned, we kept going with these damn DCU movie commentaries. We didn't really want to watch JL but we had to get it over with.

But hey it is still better then Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice, that's something right? Don't worry we will get back to the crappy but fun films that include a good old T&A drinking game.

So sit back and enjoy a okay film that's somewhat coherent and looks a ton better then Dawn of Justice. Grab that beer and laugh at the terrible CG... and that laughable mustache removal...man that was horrible.

Oh and we added a new gimmick. Starting with Justice League, after every movie commentary we'll spin a wheel to find out what we watch next. Fun stuff!

Today we took a spin on our new wheel!!!

We spun The Wheel of Doom (TM) a collection of request films by viewers like you!

...and we get something odd. Hint: It involves the Musketeers and David Hasselhoff...yep the HOFF...nothing but fun...

 

Hey did you know: Justice League is the fourth-most-expensive film ever made. Amazing is it not?! wikipedia.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

00:0000:00

(Ep. 104): Justice League - Movie Commentary (without Movie Audio): June 2018

June 2, 2018

Justice League

PG-13  2017 ‧ Fantasy/Science fiction film ‧ 2 hours

justice-league-1200x520.jpg

Fuelled by his restored faith in humanity, and inspired by Superman's selfless act, Bruce Wayne enlists newfound ally Diana Prince to face an even greater threat. Together, Batman and Wonder Woman work quickly to recruit a team to stand against this newly-awakened enemy. Despite the formation of an unprecedented league of heroes in Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg and the Flash, it may be too late to save the planet from an assault of catastrophic proportions.

Initial release: November 15, 2017 (Sweden)

Director: Zack Snyder

Initial DVD release: March 13, 2018 (USA)

maxresdefault.jpg

jl-03432rcc.jpggn-gift_guide_variable_c.jpgBox office: 657.9 million USD

 

 

Well... like DJ mentioned, we kept going with these damn DCU movie commentaries. We didn't really want to watch JL but we had to get it over with.

But hey it is still better then Batman V Superman Dawn of Justice, that's something right? Don't worry we will get back to the crappy but fun films that include a good old T&A drinking game.

So sit back and enjoy a okay film that's somewhat coherent and looks a ton better then Dawn of Justice. Grab that beer and laugh at the terrible CG... and that laughable mustache removal...man that was horrible.

Oh and we added a new gimmick. Starting with Justice League, after every movie commentary we'll spin a wheel to find out what we watch next. Fun stuff!

Today we took a spin on our new wheel!!!

We spun The Wheel of Doom (TM) a collection of request films by viewers like you!

...and we get something odd. Hint: It involves the Musketeers and David Hasselhoff...yep the HOFF...nothing but fun...

 

Hey did you know: Justice League is the fourth-most-expensive film ever made. Amazing is it not?! wikipedia.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

00:0000:00

(Ep. 103): House 2 - Movie Commentary (with Movie Audio): May 2018

May 9, 2018
baeb6fa3-a7c1-9775..jpg

House II: The Second Story
PG-13

 1987 ‧ Adventure/Horror ‧ 1h 28m

 
A man (Arye Gross) and his friend (Jonathan Stark) exhume an ancestor (Royal Dano) in the house 
where his parents were killed.
 
Initial release: August 28, 1987
Director: Ethan Wiley
Budget: 3 million USD
Production company: New World Pictures
201410180000566.jpg1_s7i72jAiz7K-NoVi7nxCAg.jpg 
Well you can't say we don't love you. Today Matt and Justin watch a movie from the Lister requested submissions. Sometimes we find fun and enjoyable films, that ether we never watched or never heard of. But that isn't always the case. Ep. 103 we cross off another one, House 2: The Second Story. A film not watched by the two in a collective 30 plus years. What we found out is its not as good as we once remembered.

House 2 is under the horror genre which is a lie. Eventhough it is a sequel to the 1986 film House, House 2 does not involve the storyline and character from the first film, including the horror feel. House 2 is supernatural fantasy "comedy". 

Frankly its a mess of a film. If you haven't already watched the first House then skip this and check House.

house2_skull.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

00:0000:00

(Ep. 103): House 2 - Movie Commentary (without Movie Audio): May 2018

May 9, 2018
baeb6fa3-a7c1-9775..jpg

House II: The Second Story
PG-13

 1987 ‧ Adventure/Horror ‧ 1h 28m

 
A man (Arye Gross) and his friend (Jonathan Stark) exhume an ancestor (Royal Dano) in the house 
where his parents were killed.
 
Initial release: August 28, 1987
Director: Ethan Wiley
Budget: 3 million USD
Production company: New World Pictures
201410180000566.jpg1_s7i72jAiz7K-NoVi7nxCAg.jpg 
Well you can't say we don't love you. Today Matt and Justin watch a movie from the Lister requested submissions. Sometimes we find fun and enjoyable films, that ether we never watched or never heard of. But that isn't always the case. Ep. 103 we cross off another one, House 2: The Second Story. A film not watched by the two in a collective 30 plus years. What we found out is its not as good as we once remembered.

House 2 is under the horror genre which is a lie. Eventhough it is a sequel to the 1986 film House, House 2 does not involve the storyline and character from the first film, including the horror feel. House 2 is supernatural fantasy "comedy". 

Frankly its a mess of a film. If you haven't already watched the first House then skip this and check House.

house2_skull.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

00:0000:00

(Ep. 102): The Simplistic Reviews Podcast: April 2018

April 6, 2018

This isn't a joke...the boys are back on the airwaves with another edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast...or are they? You be the judge of whether you think they're back or not. I might be telling you here that they are back, but are they truly "back." And if their back, where are they back from? The Future, School, Training, To Back, In Black, Rubs, In The Habit, For The First Time, again, it's up to you to decide...

This month, the shenanigans range to these nincompoops yelling about whether Spielberg or Scorsese did it better, and by IT they mean holding the camera and making millionaires do things on camera, to the merits of Justin actually discovering he's North African and how we can us that to our advantage.

There is also the return of Simplistic Switcharoo where the fellas tackle the big questions of whether Nicolas Cage could be replaced by John Malkovich in Face/Off and after a long a sordid history, Matt might finally come to terms with the concept of Anne Hathaway.

All this, and of course your monthly dose of dick and fart jokes, on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, if you SMELL.....what THE CROCK.....is cookin'!!

 

NOTES

Anne 'Cat'haway

ASMR Porn

Nic Cage and Peaches

Macho Madness

Diplomatic Immunity

 

MUSIC

Neon Love by Jeff Dale, Gavin Harrison and Tim Reilly

Hit the Jackpot by David James

80s Killed The Radio Star by Bobby Cole

 

Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest

00:0000:00

(Ep. 101): Undefeatable - Movie Commentary (with Movie Audio): Match 2018

March 24, 2018
Undefeatable
R

 1994 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 35m 4.1/10 · IMDb

81kqNRroc7L._SL1500_.jpg

The boys of Simplistic Reviews are back! Let's be honest you never believed Ep. 100 was our last... did you? No we can't stop with all these crappy movies out there. Plus the current world we live in needs some terrible grotesque jokes. 

So sit back, turn off the lights and enjoy some undefeatable puns...no...they suck...its pretty sad.

UNDEFEATABLE-3.jpg

Kristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock) who, along with her gang, take part in Mafia-run street fights to earn money for her sister's college education. Kristi's sister hopes to become a doctor and pay for Kristi's education.

Meanwhile, an underground fighter by the name of "Stingray" (Don Niam) is left by his scared wife, Anna, after raping her, and vows to find her. Stingray has suffered from abandonment issues since early childhood and this new trauma triggers a psychotic break from reality. He begins to kidnap women who resemble his ex-wife, and subsequently tortures them and gouges their eyes out before returning their bodies to the crime scene. Kristi's sister becomes one of the victims, so Kristi tracks down Stingray with the help of police officer Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who might just be falling for her, alongside her sister's psychiatry tutor Jennifer (Donna Jason) and Nick's partner Mike (Gerald Klein).

download.jpg

They eventually track down Stingray, who has kidnapped Jennifer, and fight in a warehouse where he escapes after shooting and killing Mike. Jennifer's injuries, though relatively minor, require that she be admitted to the hospital where she is again kidnapped by Stingray who is impersonating a doctor. Kristi and Nick chase him to a storage area where the three do battle, mostly through hand-to-hand combat. Stingray is bested by the pair, having both eyes gouged out in the process. He's then suspended by the eye-sockets with a meat hook, killing him.

UNDEFEATABLE-9.jpg

The final scene shows with Kristi and her friends visiting her late sister's resting place to inform her that Stingray has finally been defeated. It is revealed that Kristi has somehow enrolled her former gang in college to give them a chance at a better life, and that Kristi has also been enrolled in college by Nick. The film ends with the group engaging in an impassioned four way high-five.

00:0000:00

(Ep. 101): Undefeatable - Movie Commentary (without Movie Audio): Match 2018

March 24, 2018
Undefeatable
R

 1994 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 35m 4.1/10 · IMDb

81kqNRroc7L._SL1500_.jpg

The boys of Simplistic Reviews are back! Let's be honest you never believed Ep. 100 was our last... did you? No we can't stop with all these crappy movies out there. Plus the current world we live in needs some terrible grotesque jokes. 

So sit back, turn off the lights and enjoy some undefeatable puns...no...they suck...its pretty sad.

UNDEFEATABLE-3.jpg

Kristi Jones (Cynthia Rothrock) who, along with her gang, take part in Mafia-run street fights to earn money for her sister's college education. Kristi's sister hopes to become a doctor and pay for Kristi's education.

Meanwhile, an underground fighter by the name of "Stingray" (Don Niam) is left by his scared wife, Anna, after raping her, and vows to find her. Stingray has suffered from abandonment issues since early childhood and this new trauma triggers a psychotic break from reality. He begins to kidnap women who resemble his ex-wife, and subsequently tortures them and gouges their eyes out before returning their bodies to the crime scene. Kristi's sister becomes one of the victims, so Kristi tracks down Stingray with the help of police officer Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who might just be falling for her, alongside her sister's psychiatry tutor Jennifer (Donna Jason) and Nick's partner Mike (Gerald Klein).

download.jpg

They eventually track down Stingray, who has kidnapped Jennifer, and fight in a warehouse where he escapes after shooting and killing Mike. Jennifer's injuries, though relatively minor, require that she be admitted to the hospital where she is again kidnapped by Stingray who is impersonating a doctor. Kristi and Nick chase him to a storage area where the three do battle, mostly through hand-to-hand combat. Stingray is bested by the pair, having both eyes gouged out in the process. He's then suspended by the eye-sockets with a meat hook, killing him.

UNDEFEATABLE-9.jpg

The final scene shows with Kristi and her friends visiting her late sister's resting place to inform her that Stingray has finally been defeated. It is revealed that Kristi has somehow enrolled her former gang in college to give them a chance at a better life, and that Kristi has also been enrolled in college by Nick. The film ends with the group engaging in an impassioned four way high-five.

00:0000:00

(Ep. 100): The One Hundredth Simplistic Reviews Podcast: February 2018

February 17, 2018
100.png
 
It’s here!
 
  No, not your tax return…
No, not another government shutdown…
No, not an actual picture of Venom…

It’s the 100th episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast!  We got a guest list so prestigious and respected, it should run for president…please…someone…anyone…run for president.  So if you’re going on a short drive on a long road or a long walk off a short pier, stick this in your ear holes and enjoy the bad comedy styling of Matthew Stewart, DJ Valentine, and Justin Polizzi for the 100th time…and then…for the love of God…run for president.

 
MUSIC
Triumph March By Verdi
Neon Love By Jeff Dale, Gavin Harrison & Tim Reilly
Dark City Beats By John 00 Fleming
Utopia In Peril By Chillout
Plain Jane By Sid Phillips

00:0000:00

(Ep. 99): Killer Workout - Movie Commentary (without Movie Audio): February 2018

February 6, 2018

Killer Workout 1987 ‧ 1h 25m

Killer Workout, also known under the original title Aerobicide, is a 1986 American slasher film written and directed by David A. Prior. It stars Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, and Teresa Van der Woude. Wikipedia

Director: David A. Prior

Screenplay: David A. Prior

Music composed by: Todd Hayen

Producers: David WintersMarc WintersPeter Yuval

 

Its here! You or someone requested it (Request a Movie)

 

Killer Workout

 

Did you plan to lose weight this year?

Well do we have an amazing offer you wouldn’t believe!

For one low prices of watch or listening to this Movie Commentary, you will lose weight in no time. Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary comes doctor recommended by the top in the business. Loss weight just by sitting! No more getting up and moving those arms. No more watching what you eat. With Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary anyone can lose weight fast just by sitting on your ass.

Just listen to this interview we did with two of our happy customers.

Anonymous 1 says - “It’s the best. I can sit all day eating KFC and McD with not worrying about my weight. Everyone says Donald you’re amazing. You look amazing and you’re the best in the world at everything. Do you work out? No I don’t because look at me. I’m amazing. People say and look I know people. People say I’m the best looking they have ever seen. And listen there has been like a few million, maybe a few billion, no one really knows for sure. Scientist have been looking for at least some time now and they don’t know. The Earth is only a couple hundred years old and when people say I’m the best looking that really means something. It true Hilary has to work out. I don’t because look at me. It’s a fact. People tell me these things. This is anonymous right? Okay then my friend here does it too. But I’m the best that’s what my daddy says!”

Us - Wow amazing isn’t it? How does your friend like it?

Anonymous 2 says - “Это лучшее, что говорит г-н Т. Россия никогда не разговаривала с президентом. Я хочу сделать этот факт, как вы говорите. Мы никогда не были в одной комнате вместе, как мы могли бы проводить выборы. Россия ничего не знает о оснащении. Мы считаем, что американская политика ошибается и составляет это. Россия любит, мы любим только. Мы знаем, что Америка нашла много фотографий и доказательств, связывающих Россию с президентом, но все эти фальшивые новости, которые вы знаете? Так что мы едим в том же KFC. Это преступление в вашей стране? Все поддельные новости. Ладно, мне нужно идти. Ты готов Дональд?

Anonymous 1 - “Yes Daddy” 

Us – Wait…What…Okay well thanks for telling us how this amazing product known as the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary works for you. Now since we know you will fall in love here is a sample.

00:0000:00

(Ep. 99): Killer Workout - Movie Commentary (with Movie Audio): February 2018

February 6, 2018

Killer Workout 1987 ‧ 1h 25m

Killer Workout, also known under the original title Aerobicide, is a 1986 American slasher film written and directed by David A. Prior. It stars Marcia Karr, David James Campbell, Fritz Matthews, Ted Prior, and Teresa Van der Woude. Wikipedia

Director: David A. Prior

Screenplay: David A. Prior

Music composed by: Todd Hayen

Producers: David WintersMarc WintersPeter Yuval

 

Its here! You or someone requested it (Request a Movie)

 

Killer Workout

 

Did you plan to lose weight this year?

Well do we have an amazing offer you wouldn’t believe!

For one low prices of watch or listening to this Movie Commentary, you will lose weight in no time. Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary comes doctor recommended by the top in the business. Loss weight just by sitting! No more getting up and moving those arms. No more watching what you eat. With Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary anyone can lose weight fast just by sitting on your ass.

Just listen to this interview we did with two of our happy customers.

Anonymous 1 says - “It’s the best. I can sit all day eating KFC and McD with not worrying about my weight. Everyone says Donald you’re amazing. You look amazing and you’re the best in the world at everything. Do you work out? No I don’t because look at me. I’m amazing. People say and look I know people. People say I’m the best looking they have ever seen. And listen there has been like a few million, maybe a few billion, no one really knows for sure. Scientist have been looking for at least some time now and they don’t know. The Earth is only a couple hundred years old and when people say I’m the best looking that really means something. It true Hilary has to work out. I don’t because look at me. It’s a fact. People tell me these things. This is anonymous right? Okay then my friend here does it too. But I’m the best that’s what my daddy says!”

Us - Wow amazing isn’t it? How does your friend like it?

Anonymous 2 says - “Это лучшее, что говорит г-н Т. Россия никогда не разговаривала с президентом. Я хочу сделать этот факт, как вы говорите. Мы никогда не были в одной комнате вместе, как мы могли бы проводить выборы. Россия ничего не знает о оснащении. Мы считаем, что американская политика ошибается и составляет это. Россия любит, мы любим только. Мы знаем, что Америка нашла много фотографий и доказательств, связывающих Россию с президентом, но все эти фальшивые новости, которые вы знаете? Так что мы едим в том же KFC. Это преступление в вашей стране? Все поддельные новости. Ладно, мне нужно идти. Ты готов Дональд?

Anonymous 1 - “Yes Daddy” 

Us – Wait…What…Okay well thanks for telling us how this amazing product known as the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary works for you. Now since we know you will fall in love here is a sample.

00:0000:00

(Ep. 98): SR Podcast - January 2018

January 15, 2018

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

The boys at Simplistic Reviews are back for a brand new year of hijinks, hilarity, intrigue, and murder...well maybe not that last one.  On the January edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the gang not only tries to unravel the mystery of January Jones' secret baby daddy, they also discuss Star Wars, Star Trek, The Crown, The Wire, and the 1991 Macaulay Culkin animated series Wish Kid...yeah...we're still a pretty weird show.  The boys also reveal some secrets they're not too proud of in the segment Simply Ashamed.  All that, an office search, a porno movie experience and more on a brand new edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast

 

NOTES

X-Factor

Wish Kid

January Jones Kid Mystery

The Wire's Best Scene

Billy Joel Accident

 

MUSIC

Sexy By Ben Sound

Ying And Yang By John 00 Fleming

The Croft By Joakim Karud

 

Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest

00:0000:00

(Ep. 97): Fit To Kill - Movie Commentary (Movie Audio): January 2018

January 13, 2018
Fit to Kill
R

 1993 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 34m

vlcsnap-2018-01-12-20h36m18s948.pngvlcsnap-2018-01-12-20h34m06s979.png 
L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, accompany and protect a wealthy Asian businessman and his rare diamond against a sinister international jewel thief.

Release: 1993
Director: Andy Sidaris
Screenplay: Andy Sidaris

There isn't anything to say about this film except it is amazing!

Please...Stop whatever your doing and watch this film now!

Honestly this is one of the best we have ever watched on the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary. It's been awhile and we are glad to come back to the films by Andy Sidaris. What more could you ask for...

Girls!

Guns!

and 

G-Strings!

I mean clearly it has everything. And to top it off the movie has one hell of a Bond undertone. Just wait till that we get there. We once again tip our hat to you Mr. Sidaris... Thank you! 

 
P.S. Be on the lookout for a young Kenny Powers

 

 
 
00:0000:00

(Ep. 97): Fit To Kill - Movie Commentary (without Movie Audio): January 2018

January 13, 2018
Fit to Kill
R

 1993 ‧ Thriller/Action ‧ 1h 34m

vlcsnap-2018-01-12-20h36m18s948.pngvlcsnap-2018-01-12-20h34m06s979.png 
L.E.T.H.A.L. Agents Donna and Nicole, accompany and protect a wealthy Asian businessman and his rare diamond against a sinister international jewel thief.

Release: 1993
Director: Andy Sidaris
Screenplay: Andy Sidaris

There isn't anything to say about this film except it is amazing!

Please...Stop whatever your doing and watch this film now!

Honestly this is one of the best we have ever watched on the Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary. It's been awhile and we are glad to come back to the films by Andy Sidaris. What more could you ask for...

Girls!

Guns!

and 

G-Strings!

I mean clearly it has everything. And to top it off the movie has one hell of a Bond undertone. Just wait till that we get there. We once again tip our hat to you Mr. Sidaris... Thank you! 

 
P.S. Be on the lookout for a young Kenny Powers

 

 
 
00:0000:00

(Ep. 96): Jack Frost 2 - Movie Commentary (without Movie Audio): December 2017

December 23, 2017
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
R

 2000 ‧ Slasher/Fantasy ‧ 1h 31m

_____________________________________________________________________________
 

Sam (Christopher Allport) is traumatized by his experience the previous Christmas, battling Jack Frost (Matt Falletta), a murderous snowman possessed by a serial killer. His wife, Anne (Eileen Seeley), thinks a trip to the tropics will get his mind off the snow, so they pack their bags and head to a resort on an island in the Pacific. Meanwhile, the FBI accidentally resurrects Jack's remains during an experiment. Jack heads to the island, covers it in snow and embarks on another rampage.

jackfrostii7.jpg

jack-frost-2-review.jpgInitial release: November 21, 2000

Director: Michael Cooney
Music composed by: Chris Anderson
Screenplay: Michael Cooney
 
Well to finish off our Holiday Movie Commentaries we decided to dive into Jack Frost 2. There is much to say but watch the first Jack Frost and stop. Jack Frost 2 is not a good bad movie but a bad movie. They forgot the good this time around. So stay warm by that fire place and remember not to eat the yellow snow!
Happy Hanukkah
Merry Christmas
Happy Festivus
Happy New Year
and from us all at Simplistic Reviews thank you for listening and reading! We have big things planned this year we think you will enjoy!
See you next year...
 
 
 
00:0000:00

(Ep. 96): Jack Frost 2 - Movie Commentary (with Movie Audio): December 2017

December 23, 2017
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
R

 2000 ‧ Slasher/Fantasy ‧ 1h 31m

_____________________________________________________________________________
 

Sam (Christopher Allport) is traumatized by his experience the previous Christmas, battling Jack Frost (Matt Falletta), a murderous snowman possessed by a serial killer. His wife, Anne (Eileen Seeley), thinks a trip to the tropics will get his mind off the snow, so they pack their bags and head to a resort on an island in the Pacific. Meanwhile, the FBI accidentally resurrects Jack's remains during an experiment. Jack heads to the island, covers it in snow and embarks on another rampage.

jackfrostii7.jpg

jack-frost-2-review.jpgInitial release: November 21, 2000

Director: Michael Cooney
Music composed by: Chris Anderson
Screenplay: Michael Cooney
 
Well to finish off our Holiday Movie Commentaries we decided to dive into Jack Frost 2. There is much to say but watch the first Jack Frost and stop. Jack Frost 2 is not a good bad movie but a bad movie. They forgot the good this time around. So stay warm by that fire place and remember not to eat the yellow snow!
Happy Hanukkah
Merry Christmas
Happy Festivus
Happy New Year
and from us all at Simplistic Reviews thank you for listening and reading! We have big things planned this year we think you will enjoy!
See you next year...
 
 
 
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(Ep. 95): Elves - Movie Commentary: December 2017 (without Movie Audio)

December 17, 2017

Elves

1989 ‧ Drama/Horror ‧ 1h 29m

____________________________________________________________________________

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A department-store Santa Claus (Dan Haggerty) discovers a Neo-Nazi plot to mate a nice girl (Julie Austin) with an elf in Colorado.

Release date:  October 24, 1989

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

Screenplay: Jeffrey Mandel

Music composed by: Vladimir Horunzhy

 

Elves07.jpgThat time of the year is back when the gang sits around and watches nothing but terrible holiday themed movies.

elves-1989-kirsten-and-friends.jpgToday is not only our first appearance of Dan Haggerty here at Simplistic Reviews but also a ending for a movie that flabbergasted DJ. I suppose this would already be enough for a Movie Commentary but nope...that's not all. We also have a homeless department store Santa investigating a modern-day Neo-Nazi plot to finally bring about the master race that Hitler had always dreamed of.

Instead of a race of pure-blood Aryans, it is revealed that Hitler dreamed of a race of half-human/half-elf hybrids.

Yep... what a movie everyone. So grab that egg nog and sit back, things are about to get weird.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. Enjoy the Elves because next week is a cold one set on a tropical island. Try not to question it.

 

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(Ep. 95): Elves - Movie Commentary: December 2017 (with Movie Audio)

December 17, 2017

Elves

1989 ‧ Drama/Horror ‧ 1h 29m

____________________________________________________________________________

elves-claus-noel-jeffrey-mandel-1989-pos

A department-store Santa Claus (Dan Haggerty) discovers a Neo-Nazi plot to mate a nice girl (Julie Austin) with an elf in Colorado.

Release date:  October 24, 1989

Director: Jeffrey Mandel

Screenplay: Jeffrey Mandel

Music composed by: Vladimir Horunzhy

 

Elves07.jpgThat time of the year is back when the gang sits around and watches nothing but terrible holiday themed movies.

elves-1989-kirsten-and-friends.jpgToday is not only our first appearance of Dan Haggerty here at Simplistic Reviews but also a ending for a movie that flabbergasted DJ. I suppose this would already be enough for a Movie Commentary but nope...that's not all. We also have a homeless department store Santa investigating a modern-day Neo-Nazi plot to finally bring about the master race that Hitler had always dreamed of.

Instead of a race of pure-blood Aryans, it is revealed that Hitler dreamed of a race of half-human/half-elf hybrids.

Yep... what a movie everyone. So grab that egg nog and sit back, things are about to get weird.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. Enjoy the Elves because next week is a cold one set on a tropical island. Try not to question it.

 

Elves-1989-Movie-3.jpg

     

00:0000:00

(Ep. 94) SR Podcast - December 2017

December 4, 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this early holiday addition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys discuss all the Hollywood news they missed while on Thanksgiving break during an edition of Can You Dig It. They also review everything from The Punisher to Vice Principals during TV Roundup. They even get to try out some new impressions during the game Simply Quotable…and all this is bookended by Justin’s attempt to cancel a gift basket he bought from Costco…yes really. All that, a new trailer spoof, and some underhanded shots at Matt Lauer on this Season’s Greetings episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES
Vince McMahon Buys WCW

 
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(Ep. 93): Killer Klowns from Outer Space - Movie Commentary: October 2017

October 30, 2017

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

PG-13 ‧ 1988 ‧ Science fiction film/Cult film ‧ 1h 28m

Happy-Halloween-Banner-Png-%252822%2529.

 

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When teenagers Mike (Grant Cramer) and Debbie (Suzanne Snyder) see a comet crash outside their sleepy small town, they investigate and discover a pack of murderous aliens who look very much like circus clowns. They try to warn the local authorities, but everyone assumes their story is a prank. Meanwhile, the clowns set about harvesting and eating as many people as they can. It's not until they kidnap Debbie that Mike decides it's up to him to stop the clowns' bloody rampage.
Release date: May 20, 1988 (USA)

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 What could be better then watching some Killer Klowns this Halloween!? Well with the Simplistic Reviews crew! Join us as we watch a movie that was made to be wacky and goof, yet its still better then half the shit that comes out today! So grab that frankenberry! Pour some of that Halloween themed choice of beer because... this Movie Commentary is gonna scare your socks off!

 

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SR Podcast (Ep. 92) October 2017

October 17, 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this October episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, Matthew takes the reigns and guides us on a spooky journey which takes us from Harvey Weinstein, to Tyrese & Rock beefs, to Rush Hour sequels.  The boys play the game where crossdressing is totally allowed, What Are You Supposed to be, and we all try to figure out the name of the black guy who hosted Nick Arcade.  All that and more on a terror-filled edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast!

NOTES
 
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Simplistic Interviews: Lou Simon, Director of “3″ Talks Horror

October 10, 2017

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In the edition of Simplistic Interviews, Matt "sits down" with director, Lou Simon, and discusses her newest film, "Lou Simon's 3."

 

CLICK HERE for the entire Youtube interview and check out all of here social media below:

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MAIN SITE

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

IMDB

FACEBOOK

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(Ep. 91): Samurai Cop - Movie Commentary: September 2017

September 30, 2017

Samurai Cop

1991 ‧ Crime film/Thriller ‧ 1h 36m

samurai_cop_2.jpg    Release date:January 1, 1989 (USA)

Director:Amir Shervan

ScreenplayAmir Shervan

Film seriesSamurai Cop Film Series

Well we know how to pick them don't we? Movie Commentary is back but this time with MORE ACTION! MORE BABES AND MORE INCREDIBLE LINE READING!

What the hell is Samurai Cop? You may be asking... Well according to Google it's about ...

sc.tiff

SC%2Bgoogle.tiff

 

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But according to IMDB...

Samurai Cop follows Joe Marshall and Frank Washington who are police detectives assigned to stop the ruthless activities of the Katana a renegade Yakuza gang composed of violent and sadistic killers! All they want want to lead the drug trade in Los Angeles. 

images%2B%25281%2529.jpegThen again... since we live in a world of fake news and fake facts its honestly entirely up to debate. But we here at Simplistic Reviews say, "Samurai Cop is a classic on so many levels!"

Everyone hold on this one gets kinda weird but then again it was the early 90's.

Here we go, this is Samurai Cop!

 

 

 

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(Ep. 90): SR Podcast - September 2017

September 3, 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

Hello friends and soon-to-be enemies!  Since its Labor Day Weekend, the gang at Simplistic Reviews thought it would be a great time to get back to work.  But it wasn't all fun and games on our Summer break.  The fellas got a brand new studio...a brand new intern...and brand new ideas to pollute your brain with...like a sitcom about Hitler and Eva Braun or the craziest idea for a Bridesmaids sequel you'll ever hear.  In between that Matt, Justin, and DJ tackle some of the topics they missed and prepare for nuclear winter from either North Korea or our own government while staving off ignored but still rampant national racism; institutional or otherwise...FUN FUN FUN!  But mainly they use obscenities to take out everything from The Dark Tower, to a Joker stand alone film, to Brett Ratner.  All this and more on an Always Sunny episode of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

 

0:00:00 Opening Skit

0:03:50 Show Monologue

0:8:43 Simplistic Showcase

0:36:55 TV Round Up

1:05:34 Kill F%$k Marry

1:32:21 Closing Skit

 
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(Ep. 89): Gymkata - Movie Commentary: August 2017

August 3, 2017

Gymkata

1985 ‧ R Action/Action/Adventure ‧ 1h 30m


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It's that time of the year again, August. The month we all hated as it was the end of our summer vacation and the beginning of back to school. So a little treat is needed and what could be better then Olympic gymnast Kurt Thomas, who combines his gymnastic ability with martial arts to enter a deadly competition? I'm going to guess NOTHING!. Thomas has a few awards under his leotards. In 1985 he earned the big nomination for a Razzie Award as Worst New Star. Wow nothing but the best for you here at Simplistic Reviews.

"Watching Gymkata is a roundhouse kick of pure American action!" - Justin

So are you ready? Cue up your copy, sit back and be in awe over how a movie like this could even exist. Thank you movie gods!

 

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(Ep. 88): SR Podcast - July 2017

July 11, 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

When this show gets to 88 episodes, you're gonna hear some serious shit!  On the July edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys tackle everything from Back To The Future to Judge Dredd.  Justin is in the driver's seat for Word Association and tells his Steve Guttenberg story, DJ is forced to say something nice about Transformers: The Last Knight, Matt talks Castlevania Netflix 5000 on TV Roundup, and the boys take a break for the show to do a live commentary track on a television show in honor the great Adam West in a new segment called Simply Goofing Off.  (Watch Along With Them With The Following Link: SIMPLY GOOFING OFF.) All that and more on a time traveling episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

0:00:00 Opening Skit

0:03:54 Show Monologue

0:12:09 Word Association

0:43:28 TV Round Up

0:53:27 Simply Goofing Off

1:16:58 Simply Say Anything

 

 

 

 

MUSIC

Power Of Love By Huey Lewis And The News

Back In Time By Huey Lewis And The News

Goof Troop

I Dream Of Jeanie Remix

By The Croft By Joakim Karud

Cocaine Model By ZHU

Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest

 

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(Ep. 87): Thunder in Paradise - Movie Commentary: June 2017

July 2, 2017
Thunder in Paradise
PG

 1993 ‧ Adventure ‧ 1h 44m

 
 

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With all of the remakes coming out these days we figured doing Thunder in Paradise would help our chances of getting Hurricane Spencer and Bru back on the waters kicking ass on silver screen, or maybe not.  
 
 
 hqdefault-3.jpgTerry "Hulk" Hogan stars as R. J. "Hurricane" Spencer who is an ex-Navy S. E. A. L. and confirmed bachelor struggling to make ends meet. In order to save his superboat THUNDER (and ultimately, his business) Spencer is forced into a marriage of convenience with the snobby Megan Whitaker. When Megan gets kidnapped it's up to Spencer and his partner Bru to save the day or risk losing everything.
 

 

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Well today is the perfect day to release this action packed movie commentary. With July 4th days away, this holiday weekend we thought, what could be more American then ex-Navy SEALS saving the day off the Florida coastline?

 

 Answer? NOTHING...Thunder in Paradise it is!

 

 

 

 

So join us this holiday along with classical trained actor (and def not racist) Hulk Hogan and America's 2nd favorite Lemmon.

 

Hell even the "President" was excited for this Movie Commentary! Happy 4th everyone!

 

 

 

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(Ep. 86): SR Podcast - May 2017

May 30, 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

 

Oh what a time to be alive! That's what we keep hearing. And yes, it's true, it is quite a time to be alive when you get to listen to another edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast. Because, boy, let me tell you what, this one is a real doozy!

 

DJ, Justin, and Matt cover it all with their monthly news roundup that runs the gamet of nonsense to non-sensical.

 

And if you thought we liked fighting last month, wait until you get a load of "Simplistic Switcharoo." This time around, these Simplistic Scamps yammer on about who in Hollywood would do the other jobs better. We know you guys and gals have all fantasized about who would do our job better. Right? I mean imagine Betty White, Paula Deen, and Pat Sajak doing what we're doing...just imagine it...and imagine us on the "Golden Girl," cooking a fatty Southern racist meal, and giving the eyes to Vanna White...IMAGINE IT!

 

That, and we say hello to our PornHub resident scientist; PornHub Snooty Scientist, in what MAY be our last podcast ever....spoiler alert....it's not. Oh, and a conversation on Air Bud: Ninja Dog. May is go fetch....get it....we'll see ourselves out...

 

 

MUSIC

 

Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest

00:0000:00

(Ep. 85): Deadly Prey - Movie Commentary: April 2017

April 20, 2017

Deadly Prey

1987Drama/Action 1h 28m
 
  In Vietnam, he was the best... He still is!

You've requested it, We watched it!

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Deadly Prey is a fun film no doubt about that, might not be great film but boy is this a stupid fun time of a watch. So put on those short shorts and do some killing!

deadly-prey05.jpg

 
 Colonel Hogan is a ruthless former military officer who trains a large group of former U.S. Servicemen as mercenaries by having them hunt down and kill people they abduct off the streets of Los Angeles. Hogan's greedy financier Michaelson threatens Hogan to speed up the men's training or he will pull the plug on Hogan's training camp. However, Hogan and his men meet their match when their latest kidnap victim turns out to be a tough gung-ho marine named Mike Danton who despite being unarmed and hunted, he manages to decimate Hogan's men in detail. Frustrated Hogan, his tough right-hand man Thornton and personal assistant Sybil kidnap Danton's wife Jaimy to force him in the open, while Jaimy's retired police detective father tries to track down her and Danton who finds an unlikely ally in the form of a former marine buddy named Cooper who wants to help him take on all of Hogan's men. (IMDB

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Simply Drinking: Take a drink of your favorite alcoholic beverage every time someone sneaks up on another person.
 

 

00:0000:00

(Ep. 84): SR Podcast - April 2017

April 3, 2017

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

 

 April Fools...this isn't really a podcast post....... so here's a picture of a Ryan Gosling eating cereal.

 

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.....just kidding....maybe...but i mean just look at that sexy guy eating that cereal.

This month we make our grand return with all sorts of goodies. The fellas belly up to the bar to talk the news and their life failures in "What's On Tap."

We're also in the fighting mood this month and the only way to settle that is another round of "Simplistic Fisticuffs."

All this, mail order bride talk, trying to remember what the Street Sharks ever did for us, cross-dressing, and all shorts of April shenanigans on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

 

NOTES

Street Sharks

The Edge

Batgirl

MUSIC

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(Ep. 83): SR Podcast - February 2017

February 12, 2017

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It's been a long time, we shouldn't have left you, without a podcast to step to....step to, step to...you get it; it's like that Aaliyah song.

 

We gave you a movie commentary to quench that junkie's thirst for our imminent return, but nothing can prepare you for this month's podcast that is sure to give you heart palpitations.

 

From the sultry tones of Al Pacino as he talks nipple clamps and spankings...to us wagering our souls, dignity and enthusiasm on 2017 films...and of course we have a game for you, because we love you so very much.

 

We return with "Hey Fuckhead," where we tear apart those in Hollywood that really piss...us...off, here's a hint; he's a world leader who probably has a tiny wiener...take that as you may.

 

Just in time for Valentine's Day, the newest Simplistic Reviews podcast. Body harnesses and ball gags not included.

 

NOTES
World War Z

Jimmy Fallon & Alec Baldwin

Green Lantern Shortlist

MUSIC

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(Ep. 82): Savage Beach - Movie Commentary: January 2017

February 1, 2017

450px-SavageBeach-EricChen-01.jpg1989 | Action | 92 min 

Ready for a trip to Savage Beach?

Come and enjoy beautiful our water

Wine and dine with at the island's number 1 restaurant. 

And come see the last of what the 80's have to offer in Andy Sidaris'...

165904_full.jpg 

Savage Beach 

 

Ladies and Gentlemen WE ARE BACK!

THE WOMEN!

THE GUNS!

THE OVER THE TOP CRAZIEST ACTION SCENES!

 

600px-SavageBeach-ArmaliteAR7-08.jpgAh... 2017 is going to be a good year! All new 90's Andy Sidaris' Films to watch. Honestly what more could you want!?

Shit...I just remembered...the 90's sucked and the world is in turmoil. Oh well let's enjoy what we have left then.

Drug agents Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) crash-land on a remote island, rumored to have a gold treasure. Treasure isn't the only thing on this island, war-gold seekers searching for their gold will do anything for riches.

 

 

 

 

Initial release: 1989 Director: Andy Sidaris Screenplay: Andy Sidaris Music composed by: Gary Stockdale

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(Ep. 81): Year End Wrap Up Mini Show - December 2016

December 31, 2016

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This is it guys and girls, the end of an era! The piece of shit known as 2016 is dead. 2016 was nothing but a douche to us all. Think about it, all horrible and horrific stuff. Don't believe me? Fine. Let me ask you, name one thing that was good about 2016?

Still waiting...

Anything?

Yeah we feel you. So to end the year and ring in a new one we have a Mini End of the Year Wrap Up Show! A podcast that wraps up the shitty year of movies into a bite size appetizer to welcome in 2017!

Thank you everyone who has listened this year. We appreciate your support and we have a lot planned for 2017.

 

"I know it was you, 2016. You broke my heart. You broke my heart."

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(Ep. 80): Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 - Movie Commentary: December 2016

December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas! From Simplistic Reviews

1010c75983371ddba396fcaa3a869247_christm

Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part 2

1987R‧ Drama/Slasher1h 28min

 

Trailer 

 

silent-night-deadly-night-part-2-umbrellThe sequel picks up on Christmas Eve some years after the first movie, with Ricky Caldwell, the 18-year-old brother of the first film's killer, now being held in a mental hospital, awaiting trial for a series of murders that he committed. While being interviewed by the psychiatrist Dr. Henry Bloom, Ricky tells the story of the murders his brother Billy committed throughout a series of several flashbacks using footage from the original film. These flashbacks have new shots to make Ricky appear in more of Billy's original story.

 

silent-night-deadly-night-2-750.jpg115%252BNot%252Beven%252Ba%252Bjoke%252BTo say Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is a good movie is an understatement. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is the greatest movie ever! Come on this is a fun movie to watch. You really have to give it to the team for making a 1hr 30min movie off a 30 page script. Yes I'm somewhat joking, but let's be honest this movie is freaking fun to watch. Every year people watch A Christmas Story or Christmas Vacation for Christmas but I watch Silent Night, Deadly Night 1 and 2. A Christmas Slasher is always a good time.

 

So this Christmas grab that eggnog and a bowl of that chocolate covered popcorn. Sit down next to that warm fire and lets watch Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2!

 

 

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(Ep. 79): Suicide Squad - Extended Cut - Movie Commentary: December 2016

December 11, 2016

giphy.gifSuicide Squad - Extended Cut

2 hours, 14 minutes

 

Seriously? Yes I don't know why but we did another WB extended-we-don't-give-you-the-full-movie-the-first-time-cut.

What to say about a poorly made film. I mean a 8 year old with iMovie could do a better editing job.

And I feel bad for bringing the 8 year old this luckluster piece of crap.

DJ says it the best. "This is the biggest disappointment of the year".

 

So we know you really do not want to watch this film again but hell we gave it a try. So this Sunday Funday Movie Night lets give it a GO!

 

All Board the WB shitliner one more time!

This time the

S. S. We fooled you again...HAHAHA (Shitty Joker laugh)

 

Don't worry, this time we have Ted Lange as Your Bartender!  

 

 Suicide Squad

It feels good to be bad...Assemble a team of the world's most dangerous, incarcerated Super Villains, provide them with the most powerful arsenal at the government's disposal, and send them off on a mission to defeat an enigmatic, insuperable entity. U.S. intelligence officer Amanda Waller has determined only a secretly convened group of disparate, despicable individuals with next to nothing to lose will do. However, once they realize they weren't picked to succeed but chosen for their patent culpability when they inevitably fail, will the Suicide Squad resolve to die trying, or decide it's every man for himself?

A secret government agency, led by the ruthless, high-ranking official Amanda Waller, recruits some of the most dangerous, incarcerated villains on the planet to execute dangerous black ops missions and save the world from a potentially apocalyptic threat from a mysterious, supernatural entity. If anything goes wrong on this mission, the government will not be liable but rather can place the blame on the villains, who are inherently evil people. A small bomb is implanted in each member of the squad's neck with the capability of detonating any time one of the members tries to rebel or escape. It will be up to this assembled team of villains to prevail over the seemingly impossible events that will unfold before them, in what many deem to be a "suicide mission".

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(Ep. 78): SR Podcast - November 2016

November 19, 2016

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FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

 

On this Thanksgiving episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys talk about turkey and Donald Trump...A Minecraft movie and Donald Trump...Shelley Duvall and Donald Trump and who would win in a fight between Dracula and the Wolfman...oh an also why tackle our new Presidential overlord Donald J. Drumpf...all that and more on a turkey day episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.  And that wasn't a typo, by the way.  Donald Trump's real name is Drumpf...these are facts.

 

NOTES

Al Bundy Fights

Wolfman's Got Nards

All Your Base Are Belong To Us

Chickens Have Come Home To Roost

 

MUSIC

Hail To The Chief

The Incredible Hulk Theme By Daniel Caine Orchestra

Beast Atoms By L-Beazt

Sharp Minds By L-Beazt

Cocaine Model By ZHU

By The Croft By Joakim Karud

 

Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest

00:0000:00

(Ep. 77): SR Podcast - October 2016

October 24, 2016

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YOUTUBE LINK

CHECK US OUT

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES

On this spooktacular Halloween episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys discuss everything that goes bump in the night...from Deadpool director woes to a Captain Planet film from Leo. Matthew solves the mystery that is the Madea films. And the boys try to guess each other's Halloween costumes in a segment we're calling What Are You Supposed To Be. All that and more on this pumpkin spice latte version of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

Madea film

Westworld

John Phillips

Pitch

Captain Planet by Leo

MUSIC

Halloween Theme by John Carpenter

It's The Great Pumpkin Waltz by Vince Guaraldi

Who Can It Be Now by Men At Work 

Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest

00:0000:00

(Ep.76): Child’s Play 2 - Movie Commentary: Oct 2016

October 21, 2016

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Child's Play 2 

Play trailer on YouTube

1990 Slasher/Thriller1h 24m  
 

Movie Commentary Friday! (Is that a thing?)

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Hey everyone! Welcome to another Movie Commentary. Halloween is creeping up on us so we're continuing with some more movies about murdering. Only this time its a grown man trapped into the workings of a children's doll. (Cue Disney themed music)

Whats that?! Another bloody movie commentary that involves children? Yeah we know. Listen we didn't plan this out, it was purely random. But hey guess what? Luck is on our side because Child's Play 2 is a million times better then that last one, especially in story structure.

So sit back and watch out for that old toy you forgot about in your closet. You know the one that you witness a man doing black magic on when Dad and you went to the bank that one time. Sure you remember, don't you? You know when the cops came and shot up the place? And as he pulled his bullet riddled-bloody body, he knew the only way to live was to transport his soul into your favorite toy?

No...why would you...that was me.

 

CHECK US OUT

 

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(Ep. 75): Beware! Children at Play - Movie Commentary: October 2016

October 17, 2016

Welcome to another Friday Night Family Movie Night!

Family-Movie-Night.jpg

X267-Children-Play.png Beware! Children at Play

1hr 34mins | Horror | 1989 

Well that happened...

DJ and Justin just watched Beware Children at Play. And...Well...It's not so great. It is a slow boring movie that only picks up right at the end. Sure the topic of murdering demoniac crazy children is a fun idea to use in a movie but if you don't do anything with it then its pretty lousy. Hopefully the movie next time is a bit more enjoyable to watch, because even though this trailer looked amazing, the final product was just lame.

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:)

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(Ep. 74): SR Podcast - September 2016

October 17, 2016

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

This month's show is themed around the genius of the late and great Gene Wilder. As we honor his legacy, we create our very own film monstrosities with a new segment called, "Frankenstein's Monster." Think soap in pillow cases and jackets with scorpions on the back...

We also "blaze" our own saddles and whip out some news in "Excuse Me While I Whip This Out." All this, and antics galore on The Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

MUSIC

Check us out on FacebookTwitterYouTubeLetterboxd, and Pinterest

00:0000:00

(Ep. 73): Friday the 13th Part III - Movie Commentary: August 2016

October 17, 2016

Friday the 13th Part III

1982 | Slasher | 1hr 35min

Welcome to the first ever 3D Podcast! How is a audio only podcast in 3D? We have no idea...

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Requested by Bradley Taylor,

Friday the 13th Part III once again follows murderer Jason Voorhees, who as a child drowned off the waters of Camp Crystal Lake. Is there anyone that can put an end to Jason's murderous rampage? 

Friday the 13th Part III is a 1982 American 3D slasher film directed by Steve Miner and the third installment in the Friday the 13th film series. Originally released in 3-D, it is the first film to feature antagonist Jason Voorhees wearing his signature hockey mask, which has become a trademark of both the character and franchise, as well an icon in American cinema and horror films in general. As a direct sequel to Friday the 13th (1980) and Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981), the film follows a group of co-eds on vacation at a house on Crystal Lake, where Jason Voorhees has taken refuge. (IMDB)

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(Ep. 72): SR Podcast - August 2016

October 17, 2016

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

On this August edition of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, the boys come back from their vacation and catch up with what they missed.  JD Duran from Insession Film joins them for a game of Word Association and a brand new game called Simplistic Submarine.  The entire Insession family also helps the boys with their ode to Jason Bourne.  Yo-Ho-Ho mateys! All that and more on this episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

Dr. Strange Trailer

Wonder Woman Trailer

Justice League Trailer

Blair Witch Trailer

Kong Skull Island Trailer

Rocketeers

Fantastic Beasts Trailer

Hacksaw Ridge Trailer

MUSIC

Let It Happen By Tame Impala

1976 By RJD2

I Dream Of genie Remix 

Chronos By Hi-Finesse 

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(Ep. 71): Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice - Ultimate Edition - Movie Commentary: July 2016

October 17, 2016

Batman V Superman

 2016 | Superhero | 181 minutes

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Batman-V-Superman-Trailer-Fight-Heat-VisToday on this 4th of July we fight a 3hr war, one we thought we would lose. But we made it through all 3hrs of Zack Snyder's poor choices to bring you another Simplistic Reviews Movie Commentary. We're sure you have better things to do today. Drink and Eating come to mind. But the time may come when you must watch that

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Dawn of Justice

Ultimate Edition

Extended Cut

Collectors Edition

Movie Commentary

Christ that's a mouthful. Then lets watch it together. A army of one. A uprising to be independent from unbelievable plot holes in a $250 million dollar movie. I mean it's crazy to think these people are professionals and still somehow find work.

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So remember young ones. You don't need to jam 10 pounds of shit into a 5 pound bag. Fill up that first bag with all that needed shit and grab another 5 pound bag to finish stuffing that shit. Because having two bags of shit is okay, not one overstuffed bag of shit with plot holes throughout its 3hr run time is okay. Shit boys and girl, that just doesn't fly!

 


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(Ep. 70): Picasso Trigger - Movie Commentary: June 2016

October 17, 2016

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1988 | Action | 1hr 39mins

 

It's Friday! So we thought another  

Movie Commentary was in order!

Continuing our marathon of the one and only Andy Sidaris. If this is your first time, Sidaris is the king of B-Rated films that pretty much only contains the 3 elements any film really ever needs Bullets, Babes and Sex!

Today we let lose on Picasso Trigger, another solid entry into the Sidaris legacy. 

"Double agent Picasso Trigger is assassinated in Paris by double-crossing bad guy Miguel Ortiz. Then Ortiz begins eliminating agents of The Agency who were involved in his brother's death. The Agency (belatedly) springs into action to stop Ortiz' heinous activities. The usual gunplay, romance, and nifty toys with bombs ensue." 

 So grab a cold one and get ready for a thrill of a lifetime, because kids this is...

 Picasso Trigger!

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(Ep. 69): SR Podcast - May 2016

October 17, 2016

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

On the May edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast...Justin Polizzi...absolutely...LOSES IT!  Matt and DJ are powerless to stop him from  embracing the dark side and unleashing his anger about the new Ghostbusters movies...and Finding Dory...and Spider-Man Homecoming...and the television upfront trailers for Lethal Weapon, MacGyver and Training Day.  Polizzi's unbridled rage and fury sends the show toppling down into a dark abyss of obscenities and inappropriate behavior with household pets. An abyss the show may never ever be able to recover from.  Now doesn't that sound like a show that you should listen to?!  All that and more on this episode of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.

NOTES

Lethal Weapon Television Series

Training Day Television Series

MacGyver Television Series

Tetris Film

Joe Pesci Rap Song "Wise Guy"

Ghostbusters Trailer 2

MUSIC

1976 By RJD2

My Flows Is Tight By Lord Digga

Action In Memphis By Johnny Pearson

Let It Happen By Tame Impala

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(Ep. 68): SR Podcast - BONUS CONTENT

October 17, 2016

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY


If you listened to the cold open to Episode 68 of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, guest starring Matty Negs from Negs Best Thing and Al Pacino, you might have heard Julie in the background taping something in the recording studio.  In this Bonus Content clip, you can hear exactly what she was saying on her side of the glass.

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(Ep. 68): SR Podcast - April 2016

October 17, 2016

FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

On this “Spring Cleaning” episode of The Simplistic Reviews Podcast, Matty Negs from Negs Best Thing Podcast helps us talk remakes of TV shows, reboots of Robin Williams films, Game Of Thrones, Prince, Coolio, and movie character fights to the death.  Oh and Al Pacino reads the phone book for us. All that and more on the April edition of the Simplistic Reviews Podcast.


Notes

Music


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(Ep. 67): Police Academy 4 - Movie Commentary: April 2016

October 17, 2016

SPACE.pngReady for another Police Academy Movie Commentary?

Nether are we...

But hey this is the last movie in the series and without a doubt better then that last one. 

So for that last time (Thank God)

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Grab that popcorn, get ready for dick jokes and enjoy the fact that there is no more Comdt. Mauser

Ladies and Gentlemen this is...

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol

1987 | 1hr 28min | Comedy

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We are finally done! Every Single Police Academy Film has been commented on by the gang at Simplistic Reviews.

Every Single One...

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